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Sept. 2, 2019

How to get kids talking about their school day

Jessica Cooke and Sheri Madigan, Faculty of Arts, writing in Conversation Canada
First day at school
Parental communication can buffer against low self-esteem and poor academic achievement. Shutterstock

鈥淗ow was your day at school?鈥

鈥淔颈苍别.鈥

Does this sound familiar? This is the dreaded response to a well-intentioned question that parents might ask.

The robot-sounding response is what parents hear when their child limits the information they share with parents, or has stopped sharing information, about their school day.

When parents hear 鈥渇ine,鈥 they may react in different ways. Some parents may seek out . However, research has shown that , especially to developing teenagers.

because they are tired of hearing the same response. However, research has shown that .

As a result, parents may feel discouraged. How can they get their kids to talk about their school day, without irritating them or having them shut down?

Communication at different ages

Across all ages, studies have found that parental communication can protect . High parental involvement can also positively influence . And notably, positive communication can strengthen .

But like all aspects of development, communication skills unfold over time.

Kindergarten to Grade 1

School day conversations with young children typically revolve around school subjects, new friendships or concrete experiences. For example, a young child might share: 鈥淚 played on the monkey bars at recess!鈥

You can further support your young child鈥檚 development by . For example, 鈥淚 saw that Joey took your toy today. How did that make you feel?鈥 It can also be helpful to , by verbalizing what you notice, such as:

鈥淚t sounds like you were feeling angry because Joey took your toy.鈥

Grades 2 - 3

Friendships become . They may be more interested in talking about their new peer relationships than schoolwork. Try showing interest by asking about their friends, such as:

鈥淭ell me about your friend. What do they like to do at recess?鈥

Grades 4 - 5

Kids might start to view your . It may be easier to approach questions by asking about your child鈥檚 peers to start a conversation. You might try asking:

鈥淲hat do your friends think about the new science teacher?鈥

Grades 6 - 12

The establishment of personal identity and independence . As a result, your . You can support these developmental milestones by demonstrating your interest in their opinions allowing your teen some privacy when needed, and allowing them to take part in family decision making.

Regardless of your child鈥檚 age, keep in mind that the quality of frequent but small positive conversations you have with your child over time .

Image removed.

Parents shouldn鈥檛 stop trying to talk to their kids if kids seem unresponsive. (Shutterstock)

Tips for getting kids to open up

Communication is a two-way street. How can parents communicate with children when they don鈥檛 seem responsive?

1. Ask open-ended questions

The question 鈥淗ow was your day?鈥 is considered a closed-ended question because it can be answered with one word. Certainly, for some kids, this question could prompt a lengthy chat. But for others, these questions result in the conversation stoppers discussed above.

If that鈥檚 the case, try to get the discussion going with an open-ended question like 鈥淭ell me what you liked most about your day.鈥 Or you could reflect on as a lead-in:

鈥淚 see you are in a mixed grade with older kids now. What did you notice about the Grade 4s?鈥

2. Avoid many questions right after school

Kids are often quite tired at the end of the school day. If they are not up to talking right away, . Once refuelled, they may be up for sharing about their school day.

3. For specific information, vary your angle

You might want to know something specific about your child鈥檚 day, like whether they were bullied or if someone caused them to feel upset. However, asking direct questions like 鈥淲hy are you so mad?鈥 can feel like an invasion of privacy.

If you鈥檙e concerned about your child, start with a different angle to the question. You could take an indirect route, like 鈥淵ou seemed upset after school, what happened?鈥 Or, begin a conversation with a broader question first, such as:

鈥淒o you think any kids in your class are being bullied?鈥

4. Listen before your talk

Parents who listen communicate that they are interested in and understanding of their child. But becoming a good listener can take practice. When your child tells you about their day, .

5. Promote problem solving

If your child mentions they are struggling in some way at school, such as with a peer or teacher, or in understanding their math homework, avoid trying to fix it for them.

Rather, use it as an opportunity to foster problem solving by encouraging your child to come up with a few possible solutions to their problem. Then help them pick what seems like the best solution, and then evaluate with them whether the solution was effective or not. If not, go back to the drawing board together and try again!

5. If necessary, seek help

If your child stops opening up about their daily activities, it can be worrisome. This is especially if the case if your once-chatty child has suddenly become a closed book. If you notice drastic changes in your child鈥檚 behaviour, it is worth checking in with your child鈥檚 family doctor, teacher or seeking services from a mental health professional.

Committing to communicating with our kids means taking the time to really connect with them. If parents repeatedly ask questions that are intentional, caring and engaging, they may soon be surprised to see that their kids are the ones who want to talk about their school day without being prompted!

T

, PhD student, Department of Psychology, and , Assistant Professor, Canada Research Chair in Determinants of Child Development, Owerko Centre at the Alberta Children鈥檚 Hospital Research Institute,

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